Something...

These days, I'm just looking for something to grab on to. Something that won't leave me, hurt me, or disappoint me. I see all my friends and how happy they are...happy in the life they've created. And here I am, just trying to make a starting point...but even that feels impossible. I feel like I'm wandering around looking for something, but I don't even know what it is. I want to have the life that everyone else seems to have acquired somehow. I try so hard...but 99% of that no one even bothers to notice. I put so much effort in to caring about people, and making sure they're OK, and worrying about everyone...but most of the time I feel like no one is doing that for me. Maybe it's selfish, but most of the time no one makes the effort to even really get to know me. Even my closest friends don't know who I am at my core. I'm a fighter, and although I succumb to life's misfortunes quite a bit, at the end of it, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. I've made it through so many challenging things that life has thrown at me. Many of which not a single other person knows about. That's the stuff I'm saving for those who make the effort...for the guy who doesn't give up and never turn back. I've wrapped all these things up, with a pretty little bow and put them away for the day when that happens. I can't keep relying on the same old things that I've used as a crutch in the past. I know I have to be active in pursuing what I want, but I can't do all the work. Someone has to be on the other end giving just a little...

Right now, my life is one gobbled mess. I don't know where I want to go, what I want to do with my life, or how I'm even going to survive in this world. I have a list that I add to every once in a while...things I want to do, things I want to say to certain people, goals, dreams...a list that may just continue to pile on forever. I'm not really worried about whether or not I'll finish it...I'm more worried about what I forget to put on it. Right now, the list is pretty long...many names are on it, many things that I hope to say and do. Sometimes I wonder if my name is on anyone's list. Sometimes I wonder if my name even crosses peoples' minds. I do know that I've molded myself, changed direction, and matured a great deal in the past year. People may not see it, but in my mind and heart, I've made some changes that I'm very proud of. My weaknesses have turned into my strengths, and what I previously lacked, I've learned to obtain. I'm not perfect, though. I hate when people get mad at me for my mistakes, and don't realize that they are just that...mistakes. I would like to think that those people are lacking a very important quality...forgiveness. It's a hard thing to do though. Some things can never be forgiven. I know there are things in my past that I can't take back, and scars that will never heal. Those are the things that I will always learn from and use as the driving force in my life.

I'm just ready to grow up, forgive and forget, and move on...Eventually, we all have to do it. It may take me years, but it's going to happen. And even though part of me will always hold on to the tiny glimmer of hope for the things on my list that I will never be able to have, I can accept the life I have now, and hope for a brighter future. I can't dwell on the things I can't change...but I can learn and grow from them. This is my time. My chance to be who I want to be. I'm determined to be strong...determined to fight for what I want, and prove to others that I'm not weak or feeble-minded. This is a beginning.



so that's it...my first blog entry. Long...drawn out...blah blah blah...but that's me right now in a nutshell. I promise future entries won't be as boring. Once in a while, I have some funny in me...